Neo's Ark
Neo's Ark is the eleventh episode of the third season of Crash Bandicoot: N-Ventures!. In this episode, Dr. Neo Cortex tries to win the public over with his new luxury cruise line. When they react with little interest, Cortie steps everything up a notch by stealing the Wetty Power Crystal and using it to flood the entire world, so that everyone will have to buy a ticket - a brilliant plan hampered only by two mysterious strangers and a minion walk-out led by Ripper Roo. During pre-production, the episode was known as Mutiny on the Cortie. Plot Summary One fine day, Crashie Bandicoot is making the most of his day by - what else? - watching Wumpavision. Specifically, the beloved game show, Wheel of Torchin', hosted by Pete Sajingodile. In a scene from the show, we see Sajingodile breathing fire onto a giant wheel, then asking today's contestant, "Alfred J. Sagebrush" (Kevin Michael Richardson), if he'd like to give it a spin. Alfred is hesitant, for obvious reasons, and refuses. Sajingodile says that this is a first, and nervously tells them to cut to commercial. Crashie just sighs and goes to change the channel, but Coco advises him against it. "Wumpavision gives you hours of free entertainment, so the least you could do is make them a little money by sitting through the commercials and buying what they're selling," she points out. Crashie sighs again, and decides she's right. In a commercial, we see Dr. Mattheo Leskortex dressed in a Question Mark Crate, in a startlingly original parody. He explains that President Papu Papu has been short-changing his citizens by refusing to give them "free fun grants". Crash just nods, and claims that "that's what I've been saying all along". Leskortex continues on to say that, since Papu obviously can't be counted on for this, they'll have to rely on their favourite Uncle Leskortie for good, clean fun. He then tells everyone at home to come meet him at N. Sanity Pier tomorrow at noon for the surprise of a lifetime! Crashie is extremely intrigued, and decides to call his good friend Dr. Nitrus Brio on the bananaphone. We see that Brio is transformed into a sailboat at the moment. Crash mentions the commercial, and asks if Brio wants to attend the unveiling with him. Brio says that he will gladly attend, so long as this has nothing to do with boats, since he's been stuck in sailboat form for about five days "and I could not possibly be more sick of buoyancy". Crash just assures him that it will not. The next morning, Crashie springs out of bed with more vigour than ever! He's itching to get out and see the fun thing that his good friend Leskortex promised! First, he slips his trademark jeans on over his comical cartoon polka-dot boxers. Then, he goes to slip his shoes on - one, and then....wait a second, where's his other shoe? Aku Aku offers to help him look for it with his Left Shoe Radar Feather, but Crash bellows that there simply isn't enough time for that nonsense! No, he continues, there's only one possible speedy solution to this problem. We cut to N. Sanity Pier, where Crash is plodding along. We see that he has duct-taped Aku Aku to his left foot for use as an impromptu shoe. Aku protests that this really doesn't seem fair, but Crash simply says that "we all must make sacrifices in these difficult times", something the masky one reluctantly agrees with. Crashie meets up with his good friends Coco, Pura, Polar, and Dr. Nitrus Brio, the latter of whom has mostly managed to transform back to normal, though he still has a sail sticking out of his back. A pan of the crowd shows that everyone of interest is in attendance. There's the President of the Tribe Town Nation, Papu Papu, and his good friends Vice President Spencer and Fuzzy Dice Elephant Sheldon, the latter of whom is wackily riding on an elephant with fuzzy dice dangling from its ears. There's Dr. Nitrous Oxide, who is idly playing with his floppy alien mouth while he waits. There's Frenchie Waiter, whose hair has been styled into beautiful French braids for the occasion. There's Melbrook Gabbons, though truth be told he's only in attendance to promote his new film, Gravyheart. Dr. Nellibelle Traction is in attendance, though only because Tropy said so. Even Mama Bandicoot is there, though she has no actual dialogue! Suddenly, a gigantic ship appears over the horizon and pulls into the harbour. Out steps Dr. Neo Cortex, who introduces himself as Steamboat Cortie! The crowd is confused; "Where is Mattheo Leskortex?", they cry! Steamboat Cortie insists that he has no idea what they're talking about, but says that he has something awesome to show them today. One by one, he introduces his squad of seafaring minions: Dr. N. Gin-the-Navy, Dr. Seafaringous Tropy, Swab-the-Deckodile, Skipper Roo, Admirilla Roo, Kommodore Joe, Kommodore Moe, Pinstripe Potor-Lieutenant Commander, First Mate Bill and Shark Bait Larry, and of course, Tiny Anchger. Steamboat Cortie says that these hard workers comprise the crew on this latest leap forward for the world of professional sciencing - the luxury cruise liner! Or, as its real inventor N. Gin-the-Navy calls it, his Saillessly Sailing Fearlessly Ferrying Faillessly Flailing Peerlessly Parrying Shippity-Ship-Ship-Ship-a-Go-Go! Cortie informs the crowd that for the low low price of just one hundred Tribe Dollars, they can all join him for a cruise in the Lap of Luxury, through the Gulf of Glory, across the Cascades of Classiness, around the Cape Horn of Plenty of High Class Things, with a brief stop for refuelling at the Dock of Decadence of course. Much to Cortie's surprise, however, the entire crowd baulks at the silly concept of ocean travel, as well as his high asking prices. "I'm the President and even I'' don't have a hundred Tribe Dollars," bellows Papu Papu. Frenchie Waiter is similarly annoyed, since he doesn't even know the conversion rate between Tribe Dollars and Francs. Melbrook Gabbons questions how the tabloids will get pictures of his exploits while he's out at sea. Polar thinks it's bound to hit an iceberg anyway. Coco thinks the ocean cruise industry is irresponsible because cruise liners consume our limited supply of fossil fuels at an alarming rate. Crashie is outraged, since Wumpcable offers him a far more entertaining trip around the world via the power of Wumpavision, for half the price per month. Pura...has nothing interesting to add to the conversation. Dr. Nellibelle Traction honestly thinks the ship is a perfectly wonderful idea, but nonetheless refuses to get on it since the high humidity at sea makes her hair unbearably frizzy. Dr. Nitrus Brio is infuriated, since he was promised that the big surprise would have nothing to do with boats. And Dr. Nitrous Oxide is "confused and terrified" by Cortie's "nightmarish not-land car". The angry crowd instantaneously disperses, and Steamboat Cortie is forced to admit to himself that his Shippity-Ship-Ship-a-Go-Go won't be leaving anytime soon. He tosses Tiny Anchger overboard, and heads off to his "Cap'n's Cabin", weeping all the while. Later that night, however, we see Steamboat Cortie in silhouette (but nonetheless we know it's him because he tells us as much) sneaking into the beloved theme park Wumpaquatic World, where he pries a brightly glowing Power Crystal out of the mouth of Blammo, the famous whale. Blammo (Jim Cummings) complains about being woken up early, but Cortie just ignores him. "I'll be a cruise ship tycoon yet," Cortie cries, and starts laughing maniacally as we fade to commercial. The next morning, Crashie rolls out of bed - but much to his surprise he does not land on the floor as he usually does. Instead, he lands in about three feet of water. Out in the kitchen, Coco is also in a panic due to the flooding. She's trying to cook, but how can she possibly boil water when there's so much water to boil? In fact, the flooding is affecting everyone across the three islands, as we see in a montage set to this week's original song, "Swimmy Some Lovin'". Polar's inability to swim has forced him to wear water wings everywhere he goes. Pura is just all-around grumpy because all cats dislike water of course. Dr. Nitrus Brio is unable to transform anymore because all his potions are watered down. President Papu Papu and Vice President Spencer are forced to use Staffanie as a makeshift snorkel device; Fuzzy Dice Elephant Sheldon is forced to do the same with his elephant's trunk. Dr. Nellibelle Traction breaks down weeping when the current carries away her new waterproof digital wristwatch. Frenchie Waiter has been forced to wear wading boots which, much to his chagrin, clash greatly with his lederhosen. But Melbrook Gabbons is delighted with the change, since water everywhere just means more opportunities to gaze lovingly at his gorgeous reflection. Once this lame montage ends, we see that Steamboat Cortie's ship finally has a pair of customers - the mysterious Madam (Special Guest Star Madeline Kahn) and Steve (Tim Curry). Pinstripe Potor-Lieutenant Commander is highly suspicious of the couple since we've never seen them before, but Dr. Seafaringous Tropy tells him to relax, since there's always ''time to make new friends. First Mate Bill is inclined to agree with Tropy, though Shark Bait Larry is unable to weigh in on the situation, as a shark has apparently latched onto his head at some point off-screen. Tiny surfaces, and meekly asks if he can come up out of the water now that they're setting sail - but Steamboat Cortie insists that they're not ready yet. They won't leave until everyone's booked a cruise with him! Furthermore, he declares that Tiny is grounded for life for even asking this. But Tiny protests - he's stuck in the water, not in the ground! Meanwhile, the water in the bandicoots' home has risen even higher than ever, though this still isn't stopping Crashie from watching his precious Wumpavision. Specifically, the dolphin-based quiz show Flipperdy. Crashie just rolls his eyes - none of these contestants ever remember to phrase their answers in the form of a jet of water spouted out of their blowholes! Coco meekly suggests that maybe they should try moving to higher ground, but Crashie refuses, since there's no Wumpavision there, and he refuses to leave his life behind just for her. She sighs and resumes trying to wipe up all the water with paper towels instead - which is clearly useless because it's up to eight feet deep now. Suddenly, much to Crashie's chagrin, Flipperdy is interrupted by a Special Wumport, in which a generic news anchor (Tara Charendoff) reports on the widespread flooding throughout the Three Islands. She says that scientists are baffled since this is no ordinary occurrence - why, it's practically a flood of literary proportions! If they don't find a way to save themselves soon, everyone will be washed away to the Lost Dimension! Crash's response to this is just to angrily hurl the Wumpaversal Wumpmote at the Wumpavision. It seems like this Public Wumpavision is ALWAYS begging for money from him for no good reason! Meanwhile, Dr. Nitrous Oxide is up in Oxide Station, far away from the life-or-Lost-Dimension hustle-and-bustle of this flooding business. But, he confesses to himself, he can't get that bizarre water car Steamboat Cortie showed him out of his mind. At first he thought it was horrifying, but now, he thinks it's possibly scheme-worthy! Making a parking lot for those land cars is a ton of work, because of all the gravel and paving and stuff. But it would be quite easy to turn the entire world into a parking lot once the entire world is flooded - a parking lot for these "freakish ocean motor coaches"! Yes, an oceanic parking lot - upon consulting the Oxideford English Dictionary, he decides to call this radical new concept a "marina". Oxide just laughs and rubs his hands together, proud of a successful day's worth of scheming. Meanwhile, Steamboat Cortie is in his Cap'n's Cabin, eagerly awaiting more business. They'll be here any moment now, he thinks! Skipper Roo hops in, sheepishly. Cortie asks him if they're filled to capacity yet, and Skipper Roo regretfully tells him that Madam and Steve are still the only customers on board. An infuriated Cortie slams his fist down on his desk, and declares that his plan must be kicked into overdrive. A confused Skipper Roo asks what he means. Steamboat Cortie responds by performing this week's other musical number, "Flood at First Sight", in which he fully details his plans to use the Wetty Power Crystal to sink the Three Islands, so that everyone will have to take a fun cruise with him! Much to Cortie's surprise, Skipper Roo is not enthusiastic about the plan. In fact, he thinks it's a reprehensible idea that will throw the entire eco-globo-sphere into disarray. Skipper Roo chides him for pretending he's Mother Nature like this, to which Steamboat Cortie responds (with great overacting), "I'm a great sea captain! When we're at sea, I am Mother Nature!" Skipper Roo just sighs and stomps upstairs, where he sees Dr. Seafaringous Tropy attempting to keep Madam and Steve entertained by playing a really awful sea shanty on his crystal tuning fork, with musical accompaniment by Swab-the-Deckodile on the jazz piccolo and Admirilla Roo trying to play his pacifier as a musical instrument. Skipper Roo says that he hates to interrupt their fun, but he's just discovered that Steamboat Cortie might be trying to destroy the environment of the legendary Three Islands with terrible flooding. They simply MUST take a stand! Pretty much all of Cortie's minions agree with Skipper Roo immediately, and agree to leave the ship. Pinstripe Potor-Lieutenant Commander decides to stay back - he vaguely says that "I have my reasons". Tiny Anchger stays behind both because he loves Uncle Steamboat Cortie, and because he cannot escape from his chain restraints anyhow. Steve is prepared to leave, but Madam makes him stay, because she really thinks they should stay and see this one through. This causes Skipper Roo to comment on how wickedly mysterious she is. Then, Skipper Roo leads his army of minions off the ship, as Steamboat Cortie screams that they'll regret it. "You'll never work in these three islands again!" Later, in the Bandicoots' waterlogged beach home, Skipper Roo calls to order an emergency meeting of the Let's Live As One With The Water And Stop Cortex's Professional Scheme Advisory Board. In a quick roundtable, we meet all the water-themed-personaed members he's assembled during the commercial break: Splash Bubblecoot, H2Oco Bubblecoot, H2Olar, Sea Puranemone, Frenchie Wader (still wearing his unstylish Frenchie Wading Boots), Dr. Sailboatrus Brio (who ironically now has no remaining traces of his former sailboat transformation), Dr. Nauticallibelle Wetraction, and even Melbrook Glub-Glub-Glubbons. Redundantly, we are also reintroduced to Dr. N. Gin-the-Navy, Dr. Seafaringous Tropy, Swab-the-Deckodile, Admirilla Roo, Kommodore Joe, Kommodore Moe, and First Mate Bill and Shark Bait Larry. As the highest-ranking member of Steamboat Cortie's crew present, Kommodore Joe feels that it is his duty to remind everyone that the Three Islands are flooding at a remarkable rate, and as such they must devise a plan fast if they hope to survive. But Kommodore Moe objects, both because Joe's being a buzzkill, and also because Moe insists he's higher-ranked than his brother. First Mate Bill meekly points out that he's obviously the highest-ranking crew member. Everyone ignores this, except for Shark Bait Larry, who agrees with Bill wholeheartedly. Bill just thanks Larry for always being such a good chum. H2Oco Bubblecoot suggests trying to hack into the Wetty Power Crystal with her laptop to reverse the effect, but Skipper Roo quickly points out that this wouldn't work because her laptop isn't waterproof. Swab-the-Deckodile suggests that they might as well admit they're doomed, and instead they should just dump his collection of watercolour paints into the water "so at least it'll be a pretty flood". But Nauticallibelle Wetraction refuses to admit defeat yet, because they still have plenty of time to think of a solution. This warms Seafaringous Tropy's heart, and the two share a hug. Finally, Skipper Roo has a plan: he rolls out a bunch of (apparently pre-prepared) blueprints on the table, and says that everyone will be saved if they help with its construction. Splashie thinks for a second, then decides that he refuses to help with this construction nonsense. But he'd still very much like to be saved anyway. Skipper Roo reluctantly agrees that this is fair. Meanwhile, we see Madam and Steve awkwardly sitting alone in the ship's lavish dining hall. Steve whinily asks why they can't just go home, to which Madam angrily replies that "Madam and Steve are destined to be an integral part of the legend of Neo's Ark". They simply MUST stay so, instead of whining, they might as well just enjoy this rare vacation. In fact, she says, she intends to start now! She gets up and dashes into the ship's "Karaoke Wumpa Bar", and starts performing this week's third original song, "Hello, Tides!", with accompaniment from Steamboat Cortie on trombone and Pinstripe Potor-Lieutenant Commander on the stand-up bass - intercut with this performance is a montage of scenes of Skipper Roo and his crew building something mysterious. Finally, when Madam is done performing, she declares that "this is the most fun I've had in literal eons"! Steamboat Cortie raises his eyebrow at this, but decides to think nothing of it. Meanwhile, we see that the construction is finally complete. It's a bunch of water-tight plastic tubes! Skipper Roo says that not a single drop of water can possibly make it through those walls, so they can use it to wait till Steamboat Cortie abandons his most professional scheme ever! They just need to settle on a name. N. Gin-the-Navy suggests "The Superbly Superbular, Duperbly Duperbular, Altogether Totally Tubular, Even Tastier Than Tomatular Soupular, Even Funnier Than Outtakes and Bloopulars, It'll Save Me and Him and Youbular, It'll Even Save Admirilla Roobular, Cuz They're My Water-Tight but Oxygen-Loose Day-and-Night Aquatic Tubes". Skipper Roo immediately refuses this in favour of naming them after himself - Roo's Tubes. Admirilla Roo also likes this name, because he can also pretend it's named after him, too. Skipper and Admirilla share a smile, and a brief hug. As the water continues to rise, everyone piles into the tubes and seals the exit. Meanwhile, on Oxide Station, Dr. Nitrous Oxide has completed his latest invention: the Marinizer! Though he confesses that Gin-the-Navy could've probably come up with a better name, he's still extremely proud of his device. He pulls out a remote and presses a big red button that says "FIRE" - once it charges up a full-power shot, it will be able to turn the entire Earth into a marina! Unfortunately, it will take an hour to charge, so Oxide just sits back to sip on an Ectoplasm Smoothie while he waits. Meanwhile, inside the tubes, Dr. Sailboatrus Brio expresses doubts as to whether these tubes can truly withstand all this water pressure. Skipper Roo thinks about it for a second, before concluding that it probably can, "assuming nothing unexpected happens". Meanwhile, Steamboat Cortie is hiding out in his Cap'n's Cabin yet again, stroking the Wetty Power Crystal. Everyone else left him, but the Wetty Power Crystal will always obey his orders! No one can stop him from being a wealthy millionaire this time! Suddenly, however, Pinstripe Potor-Lieutenant Commander blasts down the door with his favourite cannon, Tommy. It's time for the ultimate act of professionalism, declares Pinstripe - it's mutiny time! Pinstripe carefully aims Tommy at the Wetty Power Crystal, and lights the fuse - but, at the last second, Cortie sneakily knocks it off balance, causing it to fire a shot out a porthole instead. This cannonball, coincidentally enough, ends up slamming through the side of Roo's Tubes, causing water to start pouring in at a rapid rate! Everyone panics, because there was no Plan B. How can they possibly stop this cascade of doom? Just when everyone thinks all is lost, Shark Bait Larry unclamps the shark from his head, and stuffs it in the hole. Everyone cheers! This doesn't stop the leak, but it certainly has slowed its progress! H2Oco Bubblecoot sums up the situation: "Now let's just hope this flood magically fixes itself in the next few minutes." Meanwhile, back on the ship, Pinstripe Potor-Lieutenant Commander loads another cannonball into Tommy, as Madam and Steve run up to Steamboat Cortie's Cap'n's Cabin to see what's the matter. Steve is shocked at what he sees and starts to speak up, but Madam tells him to hush up "till Cortie learns his lesson". Pinstripe lights the fuse, and this time he slaps Cortie away when he tries to tamper with the cannon. As such, the shot scores a direct hit, shattering the Wetty Power Crystal! Pinstripe briefly celebrates his victory, before noticing that by shattering the Wetty Power Crystal, he has caused a massive wall of water to materialise and start crashing straight toward himself and Cortie! "This is not at all what I had hoped to accomplish," complains Pinstripe! And Cortie is obviously in a blind panic. As the wall of water closes in, he girlishly screams, "If I survive, I will never ever use Crystals for evil again!" Madam smiles - Cortie has learned his lesson! Now she can reveal her true form....as the Spirit of the Power Crystals! Her eyes glow and fire off lasers and suddenly the wall of water disappears. Also, the flooding reverses instantaneously. The Spirit of the Power Crystals takes this opportunity to launch into a brief speech about how controlling nature is the worst thing anyone could do ever, and that Power Crystals deserve the utmost respect. Cortie is relieved, but thoroughly angry with Pinstripe. So angry, in fact, that he demotes him from Potor-Lieutenant Commander to Potor-Lieutenant Sergeant! Suddenly, Oxide Station appears over the horizon, and the Marinizer fires a laser onto Earth. Oxide laughs maniacally - now all the oceans on Earth are marinas! Oxide laughs manically, but no one seems to mind or care. Now that the land is back, they have no need for boats and the oceans anyway! The next day, President Papu Papu has invited Skipper Roo and the entire Let's Live As One With The Water And Stop Cortex's Professional Scheme Advisory Board to his office. The fat one congratulates Skipper Roo on his impressive accomplishment - while Papu Papu himself (along with Vice President Spencer and Fuzzy Dice Elephant Sheldon) was able to survive by taking shelter in his Canoe Canoe, he confesses that it would've been far less fun to be President if he didn't have any royal subjects around. As such, he awards Skipper Roo with Tribe Town Kingdom's most prestigious honour - a Wumpresidential Medal of Honourableness! Everyone is extremely proud of him, especially Unusually Emotional Bill and Always Tears Up At These Kinds Of Things Larry. H2Oco asks him if he'll consider being a good guy more often, and Skipper Roo briefly considers this before Dr. Seafaringous Tropy reminds him that he already has a full-''time'' job, with Cortie. Skipper Roo sighs, and joins the rest of the minions in boarding Steamboat Cortie's ship (which is apparently parked right outside Papu's hut all of a sudden). But, he tells the heroes that "maybe we'll meet again eventually, whichever way the winds shall bloweth". Steamboat Cortie, meanwhile, promises the heroes that the next time he meets them, he won't have a terrible scheme involving Power Crystals or boats or anything awful like that. With that, they're off - Cortie pulls up Tiny Anchger and his ship sails toward the sunset. Tiny tries to tell everyone that his time stuck underwater has finally allowed him to fulfill his lifelong dream of learning to speak Fishenese, but everyone ignores him when he says this. They also ignore Kommodore Joe when he explains to the children at home to always wait 30 minutes after eating or drinking before getting into the pool.